La vida loca

the last image of the day
was of luis embracing his mother
she had not come 
to his sentencing
where he received life
for something he did not even do 

today
luis shared about 
his after court visit
with his two year old
who was running around
before he received his 
death sentence 

the first time he saw her
she did not even know him
had no idea who he was
and was afraid to be held by him 

this visit was very different
she played hide-and-seek 
with him
this was his second time 
seeing her

in two years and two months
here was luis
still a kid
playing hide-and-seek 
with his little girl
while shackled to his ankles
she is going to grow up
visiting her daddy in prison 

angry at his mom
for not making it to his sentence
at the after court visit
he did not want to be 
with his mom
but rather with his baby 

so at the end of the retreat
both stayed behind
and luis told his mother
that he forgave her 
for not showing up 
in court 

she cried so hard
letting luis know
that she wanted
him to understand
that she could not come
because she was having 
problems with his father
as always 

then she said
that it was her fault
that he got arrested 

they held each others’ hands
he anointed her hands
then she anointed his hands 

she stood up to give
the sign of peace
and they embraced 

she wept
and wept
letting out
deep groans of sorrow 

feeling all the pain
the pain of a few weeks ago
when parents weep

with the senseless deaths 
of two innocent relatives 
gunned down in gang violence
and now listening to the wailing
of a mother
losing her son
to die in prison 

the weeping swept over us 

i asked the three kids
sentenced to life
what they were feeling
when they returned to their cells
with the knowledge 
that they might spend 
the rest of their lives 
in prison 

everyone thinks 
that middle school 
is the important time
but listening to these kids
i am convinced
that fifth grade
is the most important year
for a kid growing up
in the barrio 

la vida loca
the ever present three dots
la vida loca
feels good
until the day
la vida loca
rolls you the dice
and rather than a double six
you see two blank dice
there is no number
your vida loca
your crazy life
has ended 

no more freedom
for the game is over for you 

at the retreat
seeing jonathan 
embracing his mother
as she wept
at the loss of her son
who had just received life
without the possibility of parole
was heart breaking 

listening to him
speak about how the mother
of the victim forgave him
for what he did
he said it made him feel human
he was not expecting 
to be forgiven 

how important it is to feel
you are forgiven
because when you go to prison
with this lasting impression
of forgiveness
we are changed 

we cannot remain
at the foot of the cross
rather our god
invites us 
to the garden
where we find a gardener
at first not recognizing him
but then looking hard
realizing that it is jesus
the one who you have seen die
on a cross
tortured
an outcast
by society
laughed at
by the religious leaders 

when you look
into the eyes of this one
who was so painfully murdered
who was the beloved of god
then somehow
this experience 
of the beloved of god
broke into this retreat group this afternoon
these were ones
who had not been given
the privileges 
of the rich and powerful
but have been stepped upon
by the powerful 

but somehow
god was saying 
to those present
you are my beloved
no one else
will be saying this to you
they will see you as 
a criminal
a murderer
or as jonathan told me  

jesus did not come 
for those who were healthy
but for those who were sick
for those who had three dots
who had given their life to 
la vida loca 

from the first moment 
of the retreat
i was brought into 
the deep mystery of god
i did not need a book 
to understand this
i did not need someone 
to explain how this was connected 
to the paschal mystery 

how easy we forget this
it is seductive
to feel comfortable
to be in those places
with safe institutional religion
where everything is guaranteed
by observing 
the rules 
the laws
and then
there is the other side
where jesus decides
that that is not where
he feels his abba most present
but his heart burns with love when
he touches those who are impure
when he walks
speaks with those
who are looked upon 
as nothing
not the important ones 

today
was an experience
of what being close to god is about
jesus really is 
a true visionary
who sees
those whom
his abba really loves
who really are 
the beloved of god

Jesuit Father Mike Kennedy is the executive director of Culver City-based Jesuit Restorative Justice Initiative (www.jrji.org) and co-chaplain at Barry J. Nidorf Juvenile Hall in Sylmar.