Recently I learned a valuable lesson, a simple lesson, that I thought I had learned years ago.

Few of us are taught how to deal with anger. Most of us view anger as a negative feeling, which means we either ignore the anger or react to it impulsively without thinking. Neither reaction is healthy. Ignoring angry feelings will suppress them for a while but inevitably they return, often with more intensity. Reacting to anger without thought often results in someone getting hurt, emotionally and, in extreme cases, physically.

In my case, I reacted to my anger, at least initially, without thinking and ended up hurting someone. Later, I talked my feelings through with a confidant and understood that, in some ways, I had overreacted, but it was too late. The damage was done. Despite my apology and the gracious acceptance of the apology I felt pretty down.

So what was the lesson? It is one that most parents teach their children from the time they begin sharing toys. The healthy, responsible way to deal with one's anger is to take it slowly, think it through, and then go to the person you are upset with and attempt to discuss the problem. Sometimes we tell young children when they get mad to count to 5 or 10 before they respond. If only I had remembered that simple rule, I would have saved hurt feelings and the possibility of losing the trust of someone I cared about.

All feelings are valid; they are neither right nor wrong, as we learn in Marriage Encounter. So there is no shame in feeling angry; anger can actually be helpful, to let us get in touch with what is going on inside of us. But how we handle our feelings is another issue, and lashing out is not appropriate.

The American Psychological Association offers various strategies to keep anger from getting out of hand. Among them: learning to relax, breathe deeply and repeat a calming word; using imagery to experience a relaxing moment; practicing yoga-type exercises; changing your thinking (far easier said than done) and not exaggerating situations.

Anger is sometimes caused by problems that have no easy solution. The APA advises that anger may be a healthy, natural response to these difficulties, and warns that there is an erroneous cultural belief that every problem has a solution, which only adds to a person's frustration. In these cases it is best to figure out a way to live peacefully with the problem, not ignoring it but being patient with yourself and the circumstances.

I would add one more strategy: prayer. In the midst of feeling sad over miss-handling my anger, it was prayer that ultimately led me to look at the situation honestly. I am not talking about a quick Hail Mary, but long periods of quiet talking to and listening for God. After all, how can one lie to God? In this type of prayer our hearts as well as our minds are opened.

In this case, I realized that my anger, while a normal reaction, also indicated a hot-button issue that needed attention. And, while I cannot say that my anger is forever gone, I can say that, difficult as this situation was, it offered some clarity and a positive life lesson.

Anne Hansen is a member of the Camarillo Catholic community. Her e-mail address is familymail@aol.com.