Sexual abuse of young people is a societal reality. Some have referred to sexual abuse as a "silent reality." The sexual abuse crisis which erupted over five year ago within the Catholic Church helped break the silence. However, the truth is that those revelations reflect only a small part of the broader societal problem of sexual abuse and does not begin to address the reality of child neglect.
According to Protecting God's Children® for Adults training material, one in four girls and one in six boys have experienced some form of sexual abuse before age 18. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has estimated that more than 80 percent of incidents within society are never reported to authorities because of the nature of these crimes, the shame and secrecy involved, and the devastating impact upon the victim.
Those who know someone who has been victimized have seen the emotional, physical, and financial toll of childhood sexual abuse. The journey that leads to healing is life long - often measured in decades, not just in years.
In the past few years, since the silence of sexual abuse has been shattered, more adults are openly sharing that they were sexually abused when they were a child. For some people, this may be the first time to discuss their childhood abuse and for others, it marks a long healing process as they find a voice to tell others about their journey.
If someone reveals to you that they were sexually abused, it is important to take the person seriously. When someone musters the courage to reveal they were sexually abused and then are not taken seriously, they may not risk disclosing again. As a result, the person could remain a silent victim of abuse for years or even a lifetime - often blaming themselves for the crimes committed against them. Therefore, it is vital to genuinely listen.
When a person first discloses their abuse history, it is not about your feelings or response. Give the support, comfort, and reassurance that it was not their fault. Let the person know how brave he or she was to tell you and that you understand how difficult it must have been to have the courage to discuss this matter.
Offering care and connection is very important. Contrary to what many may think, victims don't need or want anyone to feel sorry for them or to behave in a patronizing manner. Rather they need to feel as if their pain, frustration, shame, anger, resentment, humiliation, etc. is acknowledged and perhaps even understood. They need to have their feelings validated. They need an empathetic listener.
Listening empathetically means that, even if only for a moment, the listener absorbs, understands, and acknowledges the feelings the other person is experiencing. Empathetic listening requires listening for the meaning and the feelings that are attached to the speaker's words. To get to this point, you must "tune in" to the speaker and discard all personal opinions about how the speaker should or shouldn't feel or react.
When a victim of sexual abuse shares the story of what happened and the resulting damage, it is vital to clarify that his or her thoughts and feelings are completely validated in order for the healing process to proceed. Empathetic listening presumes that victims are capable of finding their own way and provides an opportunity for the victim to uncover his or her own answers. Giving the victim respect, trust, compassion, and generosity is a part of the gift of healing.
Although this article is directed toward listening to adults who reveal their abuse, it is also a good time to review what to do if the person disclosing is a child. Step 5 of the Plan to Protect God's Children is to "Communicate your Concerns." The intent of this step is to raise awareness about two different issues. The first issue is our responsibility - legal and moral - to report to state child protection services our suspicions that a child is being or has been abused. The rule is simple - REPORT!
In many states, the law requires every adult to report suspected abuse (mandatory reporting). In other states, only those people with specific relationships to children such as teachers, day care workers, physicians, law enforcement officers, etc. are mandated to report, but everyone else is allowed to report. So when in doubt, report.
If the abuser is known to you, you may be tempted to try and solve the problem yourself. However, when individuals try to confront an abuser to stop sexual abuse themselves, they are almost always unsuccessful. The difficult but healthy way to deal with this problem is:
---Face the issue.
---Confront the problem to avoid future abuse.
---Report abuse to your local child protection service agency and ask about crisis support help.
Talking about sexual abuse can be very hard for the child who has been threatened or has been told by the abuser, who is often a trusted adult, not to tell. It can be just as difficult for adults to discuss abuse if the offender is someone close to them. Still, in the best interest of the child, the abuse needs to be reported, and the child needs to get help. Editor's note: The archdiocesan Office of Victims Assistance Ministry in Los Angeles is offering a program for adult survivors of childhood abuse or neglect Nov. 3 and 10 from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. For more information, contact Suzanne Healy at (213) 637-7650.
Michael J. Bland, Psy.D., D. Min., L.C.P.C. is a consultant to the VIRTUS® Programs and a clinical professional counselor in private practice in Illinois. This article is the copyrighted property of The National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc. (Copyright © 1999-2007 by the National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc., all rights reserved), and is reprinted here with permission. For more information about VIRTUS@Online or other VIRTUS® services, visit www.virtus.org or call (888) 847-8870.
This is the 73rd in a weekly series of feature stories, commentary and analysis, compiled and edited by an advisory group to the Media Relations Office of the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, through which the articles are distributed. |