One of the greatest joys for me as a priest is to participate in the sacrament of reconciliation with someone who has been away from the sacrament. Many who have been away are filled with anxiety and guilt. This guilt can turn into fear. They wonder: What is going to happen to me?

To allay their fears, I act as a spiritual director rather than a judge handing out harsh looks and penances that fit the offense. I also remind them that in the sacrament of reconciliation there are three present: the penitent, the priest and God, whose grace has initiated this encounter.

For someone who has been away from the sacrament of reconciliation, there is an opportunity to move beyond the old concept of penance as remembering an exact number of sins. Reconciliation is about a person's relationship with God --- and God's people! It is about rebuilding relationships.

Part of the frustration some have felt and their reason for discontinuing the sacrament was that, when they did go to confession, they said the same thing over and over and were given a penance, a task to do in reparation that sounded more like a doctor's prescription of "take two aspirin and call me in the morning."

This discouragement was further compounded by feelings of unworthiness.

The theology of reconciliation, however, is vastly different, for it emphasizes the quality of the penitent's relationship with God and his sisters and brothers in Christ.

Here is where I try to help those returning to understand that they are loved by God unconditionally. When I remind them that Jesus came for the lost, it changes their perspective. Jesus did not condemn sinners when he encountered them; he invited them to begin or deepen their relationship with him. The woman at the well is a great example of this.

Once penitents realize they are loved --- which makes them worthy --- I can then try to move them to the next stage, which involves their response to God's unconditional love. This response involves loving others as well.

To understand what has motivated a person to return to the sacrament of reconciliation, I might ask: Have you felt God in your life recently or is there anything unusual going on? Are there relationships in your life that need healing? What is your view of God?

Does God feel close or distant? Are you in denial about feelings of indifference toward God or some sin that you don't see as being all that bad? Do you harbor resentments toward others that you haven't been able to talk about? And on a deeper level, are you angry with God for not answering a prayer the way you wanted it answered?

In truth, for most people there is no conscious break of relationship that needs to be healed. They feel their relationship with God is not mortally wounded, so they don't need to sit down and talk to God about this.

A mother told me that when she asked her son if he was going to go to the reconciliation service with her, he replied, "No, God and me are doing pretty good."

Sometimes this is a copout. Genuine reconciliation goes beyond a confession of grievous sins; it is an opportunity to receive the grace needed to maintain healthy relationships.

Many Catholics would not think of missing receiving holy Communion and the abundance of grace showered through this sacrament. Yet they have no problem with availing themselves minimally of the sacrament of reconciliation as though it offered B-grade grace.

It is not uncommon for parents of children making their first confession to say they are there because of their children. Many have been away from confession for some time but active in other church affairs.

I challenge this, for I believe they are there by God's grace. So I ask them if there is something else going on in their lives, if perhaps God is calling them personally to a deeper relationship with him.

Once they think about it, they say, "You know, Father ..." Then they start to unpack their concerns and see the need for reconciliation.

For those who humbly participate in the sacrament of reconciliation, I am able to forgive them in the name of God, the church and the community.

Now they must forgive themselves. Unless they forgive themselves, discouragement will always emerge as a deterrent to further experiences of the sacrament. It also affects the person's ability to forgive others in the community.

Do I worry that those who have come back after a long absence will fall away again? In Scripture, Jesus healed people and walked away. He did not look over his shoulder and say, "Are you coming?"

My place is to receive those who do seek healing, however many times they do this.

Father Paul J. Campbell is pastor of Sacred Heart Church in Chestertown, Md.