The longstanding method of detecting child sexual abuse centers around what children tell us - verbally and non-verbally - through their words and behavior. While we always encourage a proactive awareness of children's behaviors, the Protecting God's Children® program reframes the problem and looks first more closely at the behaviors of adults.

In this way we avoid two major catastrophes: (1) rather than waiting for a child to be abused and then responding to the abuse, we proactively protect children from abuse, and (2) we avoid the errors that many adults make in misreading a child's behavior or, worse, in not believing a child's story of abuse.

But how do we shift the paradigm of response toward a paradigm of prevention? By using the five steps outlined in the Protecting God's Children® program.

---Step #1 - Know the Warning Signs - places the focus on noticing the behavior of adults.

---Step #2 - Control Access - stresses the importance of who we have working and volunteering with our children and how they are screened.

---Step #3 - Monitor all Programs - show us how we can keep the places where children gather safe and secure.

---Step #4 - Be Aware - teaches us how to communicate with our children and to give them some powerful tools to help them protect themselves.

---Step #5 - Communicate Your Concerns - teaches us what to do when we have suspicions of sexual abuse or of other forms of inappropriate behavior.

Step #4 offers some special challenges to single-parent families. Raising a child presents many daily challenges; single parenting can significantly add to this list of challenges. What is often the shared responsibility of two individuals becomes the work of one.

The five steps for preventing abuse show us some concrete and immediate ways in which we can protect children and vulnerable adults from sexual abuse. All adults are asked to participate in the process so that all children are protected. The more adults we have actively using the five steps, the more effectively we are able to function as a community to keep children safe.

When parents become aware of what is going on in the lives of their children - opening doors of deeper communication - they begin to see opportunities for many teachable moments where they can share their values, concerns, and emotional care in concrete and manageable ways. So, while Step #4 presents unique challenges for single-parent families, it also presents unique opportunities to help single parents overcome these obstacles to child safety.

Below are some major elements of Step #4, followed by some helpful suggestions for single parents:

---Talk with your child regularly and frequently.
Make sure you set a definite time, place, and environment to create meaningful talk time with your child. This should be done on a weekly basis and should go beyond the "What did you do at school today?" conversation. As the parent, you must be certain to set the agenda, rules, and tone for these conversations. They can be held over pizza or popcorn and don't need to be long in duration - just honest, open and informing.

---Listen to your child.
Grow a "third ear" and try to listen both to what your child is saying, and also to what is "between the lines" of what is being said. Probe any areas of interest or concern with deeper, open-ended questions. Be gentle and affirming, and be certain to take a calm and non-judgmental posture.

---Observe your child.
Watch how your child acts under a variety of circumstances. Monitor your child's TV and computer use. If you notice any changes in behavior, ask gentle, open-ended questions to provide your child an opportunity to elaborate on the things he or she is thinking and feeling. Note your child's responses.

---Let you child know that he or she can talk to you about anything.
Tell your child that there are no secrets and that he or she will always have the freedom to tell you anything-good, bad or ugly-that affects the child's life. Reassure your child that you will always love and support him or her, and reinforce your support by always responding in a calm, thoughtful, and problem-solving way when your child shares uncomfortable news with you. You can instill in your child a level of confidence that you are a powerful ally and an invaluable resource, especially in times of trouble. And, by starting this practice at an early age, you can develop and foster an environment where there truly are no secrets between your child and you.

---Teach your children about their private body parts.
From an early age, use every opportunity to teach your child the proper names for his or her body parts. Teach your child that God loves him or her tremendously and created the child's beautiful body in a way that deserves dignity and respect. By starting at birth to refer to your child's private body parts by their anatomically correct names - the names a medical doctor would use when referring to those body parts - you can empower your child to use language that will cause a child molester to "think twice" before physically abusing the child. And, you can instill a level of confidence that will empower your child to accurately report anyone's attempts to abuse the child.

---Talk to your child often about protecting him or herself.
Identify for your (young) child the special safe adults in his or her life - those you have authorized to see or touch the child's private body parts, under specific circumstances (like a doctor), to help keep the child clean and healthy. Review the touching safety rules frequently with your child, and make sure that as your child grows, he or she begins to develop distinctions between "safe" and "unsafe" touches.

---Teach your child what to do if someone tries to touch him or her.
Remind your child again and again that if someone touches him or her in an inappropriate way, your child should say "No!" and should yell, scream, or do anything necessary to run away and to tell you or another trusted adult as quickly as possible.

---Teach your child what to do if someone makes him or her uncomfortable.
Give your children the power and authority to speak out against any adult who makes him or her uncomfortable - including a parent or family member. Be clear about the meaning of the word "uncomfortable" as it applies to sexual abuse, and tell your child to trust his or her own instincts regarding anyone who gives the child "the creeps."

The best possible scenario is for open and healthy communication to exist between two divorced or separated parents so that the children can benefit from mutual and respectful sharing. If this is the case, give a copy of these guidelines to your spouse and have a conversation about maintaining consistent rules regardless of where the child is living or visiting.

If step-parents are involved, invite them to look at the guidelines as well and to share in the responsibility of providing appropriate care and support. If your spouse is deceased, consider cautiously involving other friends and family members in the support structure you create for your child.

But remember that most child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone who is well-known to the child and the child's parents. So, don't get in a hurry to empower and entrust others with your child. And, make sure any "special safe adults" you select for your child actually meet with your child's approval.

It can also be a healthy and fun process to use the type of framework provided in this article to create your own family rules. The nature and scope of your family rules can be expanded as your children grow older to include appropriate behavior and safety when dating, for example. By involving all of your children and all of your children's living parents in the process, you give everyone involved an investment in the safety of your child. This type of mutual investment fosters a spirit of teamwork in helping to ensure the safety of all parties.

When it is not possible for separated parents to communicate, or if a mother, father, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or guardian is left alone to parent, then alternatives need to be considered.

- Engage an extended family member to assist.

- Ask a trusted friend to help in the process.

- Seek the guidance of a trusted professional.

When importing others to help, you need to establish clear boundaries - informing both the child and the adult of the expected mutual respect for your family rules and your culture of "no secrets." In opening up your family for assistance, you must make the determination regarding how much assistance you need. Unfortunately, when it comes to the safety of children, the days of placing blind trust in "just anyone" are long gone.

Juggling your schedules, getting the child to school "on time," being at soccer practice, and completing the next science project before the deadline, are just a few of the types of time-consuming "routine" events that create seemingly impossible odds.

Yet, families are the places of everyday miracles. In a special way, the life of a single parent is all the more challenging and all the more prone to these miracles. God's grace is offered to you when you need it the most, and the help of loved ones through your church community can assist.

Open yourself to the assistance of others, and allow yourself the opportunities to be affirmed and nurtured by the good people that God sends your way. And, most importantly, remind your children every day that they are special, that God loves them tremendously, and you love and support them no matter what happens in their lives.

Paul J. Ashton, D.Min is a consultant to the VIRTUS® Programs. This article is the copyrighted property of The National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc. (Copyright @ 1999-2007 by the National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc., all rights reserved), and is reprinted here with permission. For more information about VIRTUS@Online or other VIRTUS® services, visit www.virtus.org or call (888) 847-8870. This weekly series of feature stories, commentary and analysis is compiled and edited by an advisory group to the Media Relations Office of the Archdiocese, through which the articles are distributed.