Life is lived in stages and my husband and I have just entered a new one. Over three decades of marriage we have been through the dating and married stages, the pregnant and new baby stages, and then the ongoing stage of parenting.

Now, we are in a stage of life that we know little about and are learning by trial and error --- we are caring for an aging parent.

When my mother-in-law died a few months ago, her husband of 61 years was left alone in the home they shared. He went through all of the expected phases of grief including a number of physical ailments and accidents. His health, while somewhat compromised before her death, became a concern. It was apparent that he needed help and could not live alone, so we began to explore the options available to a 79-year-old man who was still full of life but needed help getting around.

Initially, he wanted to stay in his home but was willing to have someone come in to help with daily chores and personal routines. As we made inquiries about this type of help he decided that maybe it was time to sell his house and move somewhere where support was available around the clock. We began visiting assisted living facilities and eventually found one that fit his needs. Within a few weeks the move was underway.

The task of paring down 61 years of household goods to fit a one-bedroom apartment was daunting. Every room in the house was full of memories and "stuff." While it was easy to dispose of some things, it was very difficult to decide what to do with others. Nearly everything had a memory attached to it.

As drawers and cupboards were emptied, it was difficult to work quickly. Some things brought smiles, others brought tears and many brought both. The family decided that we would move my father-in-law into his new home over the period of a few weeks so he could take his time to decide what to take with him.

At first he wanted to take only a few things. In fact, he was questioning the wisdom of moving at all. It was painful to watch him as he struggled with a new environment and way of living. We knew he needed the help, but we also knew it was not easy to make such a huge change.

During the second week in his new home he decided that maybe he did have room for more of his furniture and pictures, and we spent another day sorting and moving. The result was better; he felt more at home surrounded by bookcases and selected pictures of his family.

This past weekend we surprised him with a party to celebrate his 80th birthday. The party was held in one of the gathering rooms at his new home and was well attended by family and friends, and although the setting was very different then any of us were used to it was comfortable.

As we took our children and his friends to see his room and tour the facility, I remembered a few months ago when we started our search. The first time I kept the appointment at a local assisted care community I found it somewhat frightening and wanted to leave before the actual tour began. I explained my feelings to the director and she kindly shared that my reaction was not unique.

During the next visit I was able to see the positive side of this type of care. The buildings were beautiful and well kept and the staff was warm and friendly.

I am grateful that my father-in-law is well cared for and is settling into his new home.

I am glad that my husband, who has spent so many days over the past few months taking care of his father and so many hours on the freeway to get it all done, can relax a bit. His responsibilities have increased as he takes care of the business and financial needs of his father but there is a benefit that we did not anticipate. Our children are seeing first-hand a stage of life that they too will reach one day.

The situation is not ideal. We would all prefer that things were as they used to be. We have lived through some desolate moments but we do recognize that while change is not easy, it can bring good. We plan to be regular visitors and with God's help we will adapt to this new stage of life.

Anne Hansen is a parent education consultant and a parishioner at Blessed Junípero Serra Church, Camarillo. Her e-mail address is familymail@aol.com.