What do we want our children to take with them as they reach independence and go out into the world as adults?

Certainly we want them to have a skill, a craft or a profession, to be able to support themselves in a world that is increasingly expensive and competitive. So we motivate them to work hard in school, to learn as much as possible. And beyond financial security, we want our children to be happy in what they are doing. From our experience we know the pitfalls of staying in a job or profession that does not suit us. So we urge them to try different things and make the most of life, and not repeat our mistakes.

We also want them to be good citizens --- moral and responsible. We teach them right from wrong. We model good behavior and do our best to practice what we preach. As they mature we let them make decisions for themselves so that they are prepared for the world and practiced in good decision-making. We allow them to learn from their mistakes, hopefully without humiliating or abandoning them.

We do our best to allow our children to be who they are, maybe the most difficult part of parenting. Their dreams and goals, their way of living, their choice of a life partner may be very different from what we would choose for them, yet we love and support them as best we can.

And more than a few times we do it all wrong, which results in apologies and a change in our behavior. Parenting is an inexact science, with on-the-job training that is unique in every case.

We work to pass our Catholic faith on to our children, although they do not always practice it the way we want. They sometimes live the spirit of the faith rather than the law. Their understanding of the faith may surpass ours or at least be different from ours. Or their religious practice may change --- or disappear altogether. Regardless, we love and pray for them always.

We try to pass along family traditions and memories (especially at holiday time), and we hope our children will treasure them, but sometimes they do not follow the traditions exactly as we have developed them. Common sense dictates that, rather than lament the loss of "the way we used to do things," parents be open, flexible, realistic and ready to consider change. What's most important is that the family is together, keeping the faith alive and growing stronger through change. With marriages and births and deaths come new --- and often much more interesting --- traditions.

Parenting, above all else, calls for unconditional love, even as the parent-child relationship changes over time. Our influence on a daily basis diminishes, but it is our responsibility to model moral behavior for our children and their children --- at any age, the greatest gifts God has given us --- does not change.

Anne Hansen is a parent education consultant and a parishioner at Blessed Junípero Serra Church, Camarillo. Her e-mail address is familymail@aol.com.