I once felt that women battered by husbands or boyfriends should just leave their circumstances, call police or fight back with the first heavy object at hand. But then this nightmare happened to me years ago, before my marriage, and for the first time I experienced genuine fear for my life.

I felt too that no one --- not police, family or friends, not any paper protective order --- could shield me all of the time. And that was what I wanted, protection all of the time.

While I survived that dating relationship, many women don't. Statistics show that each day in the United States approximately three women are murdered by men they were romantically involved with. Annually nearly 1.5 million U.S. women are physically assaulted by such men.

I talk about this now because of the disturbing story of Yvette Cade, the 32-year-old Maryland woman whose then-estranged husband doused her with gasoline and set her afire at her job site in October. Cade, badly scarred for life, said she felt a judge's rescinding of a protective order against her husband made her more vulnerable.

I disagree. If anything, I believe that order gave Cade a false sense of security and intensified the danger of her situation.

Before relying on a protective order, a woman must be absolutely clear about the kind of man she is up against.

It is one thing to deal with a man whose fear of injury to himself will stop him from harming another. Such a man may obey a protective order because no matter how angry he is with the woman, his fear of losing his freedom is greater.

It is another thing, however, to face a male whose rage is greater than his fear of hurting himself. When he cannot control his emotions, he is capable of astounding atrocities.

A bullying male, when exposed, rarely takes responsibility for his actions. He tends to blame his victim all the more. She becomes "the enemy," some "thing" to destroy. Seeking a protective order against such a man is, in essence, a public declaration of war.

I survived my ordeal because ours was a long-distance relationship and because I was determined to control my emotions.

---I did not argue with my jealous friend; it is a waste of time to try to reason with an unrealistic person bent on finding fault. When I spoke, I kept my voice in an even tone. This was not easy when I felt unjustly accused.

---I put away things of value to me. Treasured crystal stemware was packed, and cheap glasses that looked nice took their place. One day, under the guise of spring cleaning while he watched TV during a visit, I began getting rid of clutter so that I could relocate on short notice, if need be.

---Above all, I kept my mouth shut about my desire to be free. I suspected that if our relationship was to end without further threat to me, he --- not I --- had to initiate it. Prideful, immature people like to do the rejecting. I think it gives them a sense of power.

The night he telephoned, upset that I had arrived home from work late, he finally threatened to end our relationship. To make him think I would be devastated about this, I pleaded with him not to.

The tactic worked, and into the briar patch our relationship went.

Carole Norris Greene is a columnist with Catholic News Service.