When parents divorce, families, with rare exceptions, are in turmoil. Households are disrupted in every possible way, from physical living arrangements to the entire strange new atmosphere the shattered family confronts. As a mother once told me after her husband announced he had fallen in love with another woman, "We now breathe poisoned air."
I have studied the impact of divorce on families for the past 40 years, ever since my husband got a divorce and I became a single parent of six, four of them already teenagers. I started working with other mothers like myself, thrust suddenly into a new, unfamiliar world of single parenting. We soon learned that divorce was particularly hard on teenage children, who were grown enough to feel so many new emotions -- from confusion and sadness to anger and rebellion --- erupting from the breakup of their family. This happened even when the divorce brought relief from family disruption.
I remember a friend who came to ask my help with her 15-year-old son. He had borrowed a friend's motorcycle, went speeding on it and had an accident. Fortunately, he was not badly hurt. When his mother scolded him for going out on his own this way, he simply responded in what seemed a tone of disgust, "You and dad can't solve your problems, so you won't be able to solve mine."
He was only expressing what many teens feel when their parents' marriage breaks up. These youths are dealing with pain, confusion, worries about the future --- their parents and their own --- and are grappling with many emotions never experienced before. They desperately need to relate to adults who can help them understand what they are feeling, and why.
My experience tells me that no one can fill this need better than an adult who has been through it. Lynn Cassella-Kapusinski fits that role in a very honest way. She was 11 when her parents divorced, and she went through so many emotions --- anger, fear, frustration and guilt. She sometimes believed the breakup was her fault and would wonder if she was a "bad person."
As she grew older, she grew wiser as she "allowed God to help me." And when she found God's help, she wanted to share what she learned with other young people shaken by the breakup of their parents' marriage. She founded Faith Journeys Foundation Inc. to carry out this work. She's also written a guide to help teenagers who are troubled by their parents' separation or divorce titled "Now What Do I Do?" (Acta Publications).
The guide, written as a workbook to help teens put the spotlight on their very personal situation, rings with authenticity and truth. It deals with all the feelings young people will encounter: blame, grief, loss of self-esteem, communication problems, anger and shaken faith in God. The author is honest in underscoring that these are problems that cannot be "sent underground --- for they will always find a way to resurface."
I especially commend her for pointing out that all of us are "human and imperfect." She doesn't gloss over the need to forgive those who hurt us, including parents.
"Forgiveness is the ultimate connection --- with parents who have hurt you, with yourself and with God," she writes.
But most important, from her own experience she helps young people see that they can learn much and emerge stronger from this walk through such a tough time. Antoinette Bosco is a columnist with Catholic News Service.
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