"Truth stands the test of time; lies are soon exposed."
---Proverbs 12:19

There is a difference between telling the truth and speaking the truth.

Telling the truth can be as simple as answering a question or explaining an experience. Some questions require a simple "yes" or "no" answer. Other questions are more open-ended, allowing the answer to be truthful without giving all the facts, and leaving open the possibility of presenting a picture that might be different than the direct truth. This is certainly not lying, but neither is it answering clearly and with complete honesty.

Example: When parents ask if the dishes have been dried, the bedroom cleaned or the trash taken out, they expect a brief "yes" or "no" response from their children. Sometimes, though, they get more involved answers that suggest the task is in progress but not completed.

Teenagers, in their quest for independence, are masters at replying to direct questions with roundabout answers, believing they are being honest. When asked where they are going on a Saturday night, they will answer, truthfully, that they are going to a friend's house, and even name the friend --- but not say that they may also go other places outside the parents' comfort zone.

We all recognize the behavior, having likely done it ourselves at one time or another. Children and teenagers, whose characters and consciences are being formed, are learning how to navigate their way in life, and pleasing others, including their parents, is important. So they sometimes twist the facts. That doesn't mean parents shouldn't point out to them that this is less than honest and not acceptable.

Sadly, some adults remain stuck at this stage and have difficulty giving a clear, honest answer. They fear losing a relationship, or at least not pleasing whomever they are interacting with at the moment. We all know people like this who play with the truth. We realize they cannot be relied on to be genuine at the level required for a meaningful relationship.

Blame it on fear --- fear of a secret so awful it cannot be revealed, or fear of not measuring up to the expectations of others. Fear and truth do not work well together. And to participate in healthy, honest relationships, it is necessary to put fear aside and act out of truth.

Speaking the truth is about expressing feelings, ideas and opinions, and is aimed at serving the greater good, possibly through revealing something not necessarily pleasant. In a family, for instance, it may mean addressing an individual's eating disorder, or their abuse of drugs or alcohol that is harming everyone. At work, mean-spirited behavior among staff members need to be similarly pointed out, if anything is going to change.

In a church setting, there may be a program that is faltering or failing. How can it be fixed if no one speaks the truth --- and maybe opens the door that might allow positive change?

Speaking the truth requires courage. It also means knowing when to speak. At such times, a simple Scripture passage (John 8:47) can be helpful:

"You are truly my disciples if you live as I tell you to, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Anne Hansen is a parent education consultant and a parishioner at Blessed Junípero Serra Church, Camarillo. Her e-mail address is familymail@aol.com.