There are no schools that teach mothering. We learn how to mother from our own mothers.

When we first have children we vow to be perfect mothers. We will never raise our voices or become impatient. We anticipate feeling love and the desire to protect, negative feelings seem out of the question. Reality sets in as babies fuss, cry and need constant attention.

Sometimes we do not feel like the "perfect mothers" we thought we would be. Sometimes we are cranky and so overwhelmed by our children that we cry and question why we wanted to be mothers in the first place. The books seldom tell us this will happen and most mothers hesitate to share the difficulties. As it has been since the beginning of time, we eventually figure out the process with help from family and friends, and settle into mothering with a reasonable sense of confidence and a great sense of optimism and celebration.

Mothering is tough business. It takes strength of mind, body and spirit. There are joys and disappointments. There are times when a mother smiles, content and happy, and there are other times when the same mother sobs, completely unprepared for whatever has happened. As children grow and develop, so does the mother.

It is a joyful, rocky and completely absorbing journey to mother another human being. It requires honesty, courage and the humility to admit mistakes. It includes many private moments asking God for strength, and as many moments thanking God for the amazing children we have been given.

Since mothers themselves teach mothering, I engaged the help of students from St. Mary's Academy in Inglewood, a girls high school sponsored by the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet, to share what their mothers have taught them. The responses were overwhelmingly positive. A few were painful but certainly honest and worth sharing.

The students agreed their responses would remain anonymous, but it is important to say that the mothers whose girls attend St. Mary's Academy should be proud; they have taught their daughters well.

A number of the girls listed words or phrases that described or reminded them of their mothers: protective, hardworking, loving, caring, patient, hospitable, devoted, marvelous, passionate and energetic. The girls were also realistic describing their moms: stressed out, overprotective at times, sometimes going through ups and downs, excitable, tired from all the work around the house, argumentative and sometimes annoying.

One response was very practical: "Mother buys my clothes, my food and gives me money." This young lady also described her mother as loyal, giving, respectful, strong and compassionate.

A common theme of the responses was that birth alone does not make a mother. It is caring that creates the mother-child bond:

---"A mother is not just the one who gave birth to you; a mother is the one that raises you and takes care of you when you are sick."

---"I have 3 mothers: my birth mother, my big sister and one of my close friend's mother. They give me great advice…and I am thankful for these 3 lovely ladies."

---"Mother… the person who takes care of you… the person who took you in and cared for you when you were down… the person you love."

A few responses reflected either a teenage girl's misunderstanding of what a mother is or a relationship that needed attention. One young lady said, "She does not want to see me grow up… she does not understand that you can't stop time or a child from growing."

Another said, "Mother…thinks the worst things about me." However, she also wrote: "Mother…thinks the best of me," indicating possibly that she sees the paradox of being a mother.

A few thoughts worth sharing due to their honesty and depth of understanding include:

"Mother… someone who nurtures her kids… spoils them with things they want when they get good grades and punishes when they don't do so well… she never forgets her kids' birthdays and doesn't expect her kids to remember hers." One girl wrote to her mother saying, "No matter what I have done to you, you find a way to be there for me… I thank you for putting up with my drama."

Perhaps summing up the thoughts of many of the girls, one wrote: "Despite all the hard work and problems my mother goes through she always finds time for her family; that's a real Mom."

And finally: "Happiness and sunshine is what she brings to my life and I don't know where I'd be without her. She is enthusiastic about all of my accomplishments but she doesn't know how proud I am to have her for my Mom."

Happy Mother's Day!

Anne Hansen is a parent education consultant and a parishioner at Blessed Junípero Serra Church, Camarillo. Her e-mail address is familymail@aol.com.