persecution, encounter the risen Christ, they are confused. They don't understand what it means that Jesus is still alive.

Is he a ghost? Are they having delusional visions? Even if he is alive, what is the significance of this? Is he returning to restore Israel?

In today's Gospel reading, Jesus appears to the disciples and does his best to convince them that he is indeed alive in a physical sense, and not a mere ghost. "Look at my hands and my feet, that it is I myself," he says. "Touch me and see, because a ghost does not have flesh and bones as you can see I have."

And he leads them through the scriptures to help them understand that his suffering, death and resurrection are all part of God's plan. "Then he opened their minds to understand the Scriptures."

I find myself envying the disciples in this situation. First, Jesus goes out of his way to convince them that he is real, alive and at work in their lives. There have been so many times in my life where I have been unable to see how God is at work in my life, and have begged for signs and some sort of message from God to give me greater hope and faith. In today's reading Jesus pleads with his followers to believe in him!

The second part of this story that makes me a bit envious is that Jesus explains in detail why things had to end up this way --- that he had to suffer, die and rise again for Scripture to be fulfilled and for sins to be forgiven. There have been so many times in my life where I couldn't see how God had a plan, and that my circumstances seemed out of control. I would give anything to sit down with Jesus for 15 minutes and have him explain how it is all working together for something good.

I have to admit that at times I still don't understand what it means that Jesus is alive and at work in my life, in my community and in our world. I mean, I believe in the risen Christ in my head, but I don't always experience his presence. My own personal problems seem overwhelming at times. Where is Jesus? The world seems locked in an endless, senseless cycle of cruelty and violence. Where is Jesus? Why can't I see him, feel him touch him and hear him?

Of course, I want Jesus to appear on command --- when I need him. And when I am suffering in some way, I don't want to have to wait. The disciples were in hiding when Jesus came to them. They weren't looking for him. Maybe we can't control when Jesus will come to us. He may come to us when we are seeking him desperately. He may come to us when we are running away from him.

If you're like me, you hope and pray that he will come soon, and often. My faith is not strong enough to sustain long absences of evidence of Christ's love.

The good news is that Jesus wants us to know that he is real and alive, and continues his ministry of love and compassion in us and through us. We cannot control him. We can wait for him.

Bill Peatman writes from Napa.