Guilt and grief are often constant companions to separated and divorced Catholics. Once joined to a partner in holy matrimony, the newly-single struggle with loneliness and, sometimes, a less-than-compassionate church community conditioned to couples and families.
"I know the pain and suffering of the divorced and separated, and that's why I'm so committed to this ministry," said Joan Vienna, Office of Family Life director. As coordinator of the divorce recovery ministry, Vienna oversees 13 peer-to-peer support groups located in all five archdiocesan regions as well as the annual Mass, "Beginning Experience" weekend retreat for adults and children, "Divorce and Beyond" nine-week series and annual conference.
Spiritual help
Catholics finding themselves suddenly single, whether through the death of a spouse, separation or divorce, can receive spiritual support through the archdiocese's recovery ministry, begun in the 1970s. According to Vienna, hundreds attend archdiocesan support groups each year. Approximately 125 people from throughout the archdiocese attended the Oct. 30 Mass for separated and divorced Catholics held at St. Bede Church in La Caņada.
"There are a lot of separated, divorced and widowed people," said Shirley Saffire, 73, a widow who heads the support group at St. Mary Magdalen Church in Camarillo. Widowed eight years ago only three months after moving back to Southern California from Las Vegas, Saffire's attendance at an archdiocesan support group "filled a void."
Saffire's introduction to her support group began when she noticed an announcement in her parish bulletin inviting "newly single" people to a fellowship dinner at a local Tony Roma's Restaurant. "There were 14 people there," recalled Saffire. "They were so nice. I met a woman who went to the same high school as I did in Pawtucket, Rhode Island."
When she felt ready, at the advice of her support group friends, Saffire attended a "Beginning Experience" retreat weekend. Founded by a Catholic nun, the Christian-tradition-based retreat helps people deal with the loss of a loved one through separation, divorce or death. Single-again persons are helped, according to the brochure, to "move from the darkness of their grief into the light of a new beginning and move into the future with renewed hope."
"It helped me so much. I cried like Niagra Falls," said Saffire, who noted there was Kleenex "passed all around."
Participants are led through a process, including letter-writing to their former spouse, to cope with their relationship loss. Facilitators offer retreatants an opportunity, through God, for turning the pain of loss into an experience of positive growth.
"I'm so glad I did it. It brought a lot of closure," said Diana Salinas, 39, who attended the Beginning Experience retreat the weekend of Oct. 21. According to Salinas, the retreat raised feelings she didn't even know she had about her recently finalized divorce. "It was powerful, intense and healing," said Salinas, currently heading the support group at Immaculate Conception Church in Monrovia. She was pleased her two sons, ages 15 and 10, were also enthusiastic about their own recent "Children's Beginning Experience."
Salinas is thinking about starting the annulment process next year, which is a popular topic in the support groups. Though she's aware the process requires "resurrecting the past" which can be "a humbling, painful experience," Salinas is encouraged by people who found it "spiritually healing."
Annulment support
Bernice Critchfield, 68, a support group leader at Our Lady of the Assumption in Ventura, was aided in the recent processing of her annulment paperwork by David and Joan Murphy, members of Padre Serra Church in Camarillo.
The Murphys, who each received annulments in the late '90s after being civilly married for over two decades, stepped forward to join the ranks of over 250 "submitting ministers" trained by the Tribunal over the years. Now trained as auditors, able to gather annulment oral testimony moving cases along, the Murphys have recently started to train submitting ministers, advocates and auditors.
"I couldn't have done [the annulment paperwork] without Joan Murphy," said Critchfield, who had previously twice unsuccessfully attempted to complete the 62-question application following her divorce in 1977. "I found it very difficult to muddle through it on my own," said Critchfield, who appreciated Joan's assistance in the writing process.
Currently awaiting the outcome of the Tribunal's decision, Critchfield recommends people should start the process soon after their divorce is final. "I shouldn't have waited this long," she said. "Answering the questions in such depth helps you to look at your [former] marriage relationship. You can see the problem sooner. It's a healing process."
For more information on Divorce Recovery Ministry or the next "Beginning Experience," scheduled next May 19-21 at the Santa Barbara Mission, call the archdiocesan Office of Family Life at (213) 637-7228. |