Last week, I shared with you the story of a son facing his widowed father's surprising admission that he wanted to commit suicide. The elderly father had seriously considered ending his own life and went as far as buying a strong rope and picking out a pecan tree in the backyard for the deed. He thought better of it, and eventually told his son.
In this column I want to summarize an in-depth conversation I had about depression and suicide with clinical psychologist and lay minister Dr. Ann Claire Smith. Psychology, as helpful as it is, sometimes lacks the resources to help people of faith because it does not address the spiritual tradition of a person --- which might be the most helpful resource at such a juncture.
As with Dr. Smith, it is important that we find mental health professionals who value the role of faith in helping to guide us in these situations. We must search for therapists who do not "bracket" religious beliefs out of the circumstances but rather use these as helpful tools to work in tandem with the science of mental health.
So let us talk briefly about some very specific issues Dr. Smith and I discussed.
1. We must examine our own first reactions and take care of our own health, too.
As much as this son felt frightened and confused by his father's confession of suicidal thoughts, it is crucial that the son not focus on how he feels, but on his father's struggles. "This scares me," or "I feel hurt you didn't come to me for help earlier," or "What do you want me to do about this?" are normal thoughts for the son, but they will not help his father.
If the issue of someone else's depression starts to affect the other, the one expected to help, that person (in this case the son) needs to work with those feelings separately. The son needs persons to confide in about his situation; perhaps he needs to seek out the help of a professional therapist for himself, or he needs to find a "caregiver" support group. What he should not do is become a mirror that reflects his own anguish back to the father.
We see in the New Testament how Jesus was very careful to set aside time for himself and his own emotional health. Jesus would often go off alone to pray and to rest. He also made it a point to have joyful and lively meals with his friends, and to tell wonderful stories while rejoicing in all that was beautiful in Creation. Jesus eventually had to give his very life for us, but during the three years that he spent ministering to those around him, he took care to keep his own balance, to not turn his own suffering on others who came to him for help, or to be betrayed by his own fears.
At his most difficult hour (when he realized he was about to be arrested at the Mount of Olives) Jesus did not turn to his disciples (who needed his strength and wisdom) to get him out of the situation, rather he turned to the One who would know what should be done. In his prayer asking God to "take this cup away," Jesus did two important things we are also called to do:
---First, he openly acknowledged how terrified he was. He let his fear and frustration out, and he let his dread have a voice so he could understand it himself.
---Second, he did not voice it to someone who was in a weaker state than him, like his disciples. His friends would have been even more frightened and would have felt helpless seeing him in such a state. Jesus asked for their company and their prayer, but he bared his fear completely only to his Father, to the first person of the Trinity from whom he received all love, wisdom and strength.
If we are frightened by a situation where others expect our care and our strength, it is important that we have a way to appropriately voice our own fears, to someone else whose wisdom and strength will help sustain us. We must be healthy ourselves first; only in this way may we sustain others.
2. We need to preach with our actions.
Another first reaction we might have as people of faith is to "preach." We will want to remind the person who has come to us for help that God is a loving God and they are precious in God's eyes. It is very likely that a faithful person who is nevertheless in a deep depression knows all this "intellectually," that they have heard it, learned it, and maybe even said it to others themselves. Their depression is a clear sign that they cannot grasp this at this moment; God's love has slipped through their fingers in the midst of their pain.
The person who is suffering will know God's love is real because we show it. It is up to us to make God's care truly visible. As St. Teresa of Avila was fond of reminding us, Jesus has no other hands to work with now but ours. The Church as the Body of Christ and the individual Christian as Christ's follower are entrusted with embodying and giving real, physical presence to that love of God we believe in.
When someone comes to us in pain, everything about us must say, "God loves you," from an attitude which does not judge or blame, to our willingness to set aside our own cares and schedules to give this person a priority. Our actions must mirror the kind of love we saw Christ model while he was with us. Our parishes must be places where those who need help will readily find it.
Whenever possible we must make the effort to streamline and simplify the way someone can find help quickly and lovingly. Crisis lines, support groups, pastoral counseling, spiritual direction and care during times of upheaval --- for pregnant teens, for the sick, for funerals --- must be given priority within our parish ministries. We must call gifted and emphatic people out of our communities of faith to head up such efforts. "God truly loves you, let us show you how."
3. We must take suffering seriously, but not glorify suffering.
Deeply religious persons can sometimes find themselves in a situation which can be very unhealthy. Because Christ died on a cross for us, we rightly understand that suffering, even to the point of death, is the most sublime expression of love we human beings can offer.
What we often misunderstand is that Christ died on the cross for us so we would have life. We mistakenly put ourselves into the role of Christ and of savior, believing our own suffering to be necessary and to make us more worthy. Some people even seek out suffering in their penchant for being "Christ-like." Rather than seeking help to relieve their suffering, these persons get caught in an endless circle of suffering, depression, more suffering and depression. They believe this is what God wants, yet there is nothing in the image of God that Jesus gave us to support such a view.
The greatest saints were amazingly joyful people. What would appear to us as great suffering, such as the extreme poverty of St. Francis of Assisi, was to him immense joy.
Suffering just for the sake of suffering can really become a way for us to glorify ourselves, to pretend we are more Christ-like than others; suffering can paradoxically become pride. Or suffering can be exalted in order to keep others in positions of powerlessness, as is often the case in abusive relationships. Scripture is very clear that suffering is not the goal of our relationship with God. God says through the prophet Samuel that God does not delight in burnt offerings, but in our obeying the voice of the Lord. As the prophet tells Saul, "It is better to obey than to sacrifice" (1 Samuel 15:22).
Thus, if God sends us to help others, or sends others to help us, we can be pretty certain that God's will here is to heal, to offer relief and to make life new again, not to become mired in pointless suffering. Christ was so clear about this: "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly" (John 10:10).
In my next column, I will relate some of the very practical ways in which we can recognize that someone is troubled by serious depression. I will examine strategies for engaging them lovingly and carefully in a Christ-centered healing, as we help one another along the road to the most difficult love of all, the healthy love of self. Cecilia González-Andrieu writes for The Tidings from The Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley where she is completing a doctorate in theology.
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