Arcelia Vargas was married 22 years and raising three children when she finally had to face her husband's ongoing betrayal and dishonesty and her subsequent decision to divorce.
"I could have pulverized stones with the rage that I felt," said Vargas during a recent phone interview. "I knew my anger would only hurt me. I could die from it."
Vargas found the support she needed to release her anger and look at the deeper emotions of deep hurt, frustration and fear through a Catholic ministry for the separated, divorced and widowed called Beginning Experience.
In this peer ministry, offered in a Friday evening to Sunday afternoon workshop format, participants listen to talks by other divorced, separated and widowed facilitators followed by journaling and small group sharing. A reconciliation service and Mass give them the chance to seek forgiveness for their part in the failure of the marriage.
The talks cover different areas of grieving the loss of a spouse and are based in Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' five stages of dying --- denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
"There's such power when someone listens to you without judging you, without advice giving, without telling you that you shouldn't feel this way," said Vargas, who now serves as vice-president of Beginning Experience and is a parishioner at Holy Name of Mary Church in San Dimas. "Sometimes you have to tell your story over and over until the story doesn't have a hold on you anymore."
A divorce is the death of a marriage relationship and the emotions of grief, abandonment, loss of trust, and anger have similarities to what widows and widowers face, said BE members.
The weekend, open to persons of all faiths, gives participants permission "to really grieve the loss of something that was precious to them and can't be retrieved," said Dick Van Dusen, BE board member and parishioner at Visitation Church in Los Angeles.
"We look at this loss and compare it to the death and resurrection of Christ," he added. "It's hard at first to anticipate the resurrection."
There are about 130 Beginning Experience teams in the U.S. and abroad. The Los Angeles team got its start in 1981, and workshops are held three to four times a year at rotating Catholic retreat centers throughout Los Angeles, Ventura, Orange, Riverside and San Bernardino counties. The $185 cost to participants includes lodging and meals. An independent Catholic organization, Beginning Experience receives encouragement and administrative support from the archdiocesan Office of Family Life.
This year the ministry will receive an award at the annual archdiocesan Mass for separated, divorced, widowed and families at St. Jerome Church in Los Angeles Oct. 24. Our Lady of the Angels Region Auxiliary Bishop Edward Clark will celebrate the 2:30 p.m. liturgy and recognize the work of Beginning Experience on behalf of Cardinal Roger Mahony.
Widow's experience
After 28 years of marriage Elsie McElhone, a parishioner at Good Shepherd Church in Beverly Hills, lost her husband to lung cancer. He was only 55 years old. She felt numb and in shock.
About a year later McElhone saw a notice in the parish bulletin about Beginning Experience and got curious. The weekend helped her realize she had "stuffed" her grief and needed to face it, she said. She also found it essential to work through issues of "unrealistic guilt" about things she had no control over and "realistic guilt," about the places she had to forgive herself. Over the years she attended at least 14 weekend workshops, many of them as a facilitator and speaker.
These days McElhone is enjoying her role as a grandmother, although it's difficult that her husband can't share this new joy in her life. She remains involved in Beginning Experience and is active in bereavement ministry at her parish. She can appreciate the ways she has continued to grow since her husband's death, particularly as a public speaker.
"His death is something I'll never get over," said McElhone, "but you find a place to put it and then continue your life."
Children's weekend
Some three years ago the Beginning Experience team created Children's Beginning Experience for youth ages eight to 18 dealing with their parents' divorce or the death of a parent.
"As a kid, divorce just shatters your whole reality," said Rick Albrecht, one of the adult supervisors of CBE. "Your security is shattered. Your trust level goes down and you don't know who you can trust and who you can't trust."
Albrecht plays a background role during the weekend, while talks are given by youth whose parents have divorced or died. Albrecht's two children, now ages 14 and 18 have been serving as facilitators for several years.
Tailored for young people with shorter attention spans, the weekend makes use of songs and movie clips from films like "Kramer vs. Kramer," "Step Mom," and "Parenthood" and even "Shrek" to help kids reflect on different aspects of their own experiences and building trust in relationships.
Most youth blame themselves for the divorce or death of their parents, added Albrecht, and CBE helps children understand it was not their fault.
The healing and transformation he sees in young people keeps him in this ministry, said Albrecht, who attends Mass at the San Fernando Mission. He remembers two angry punk-rock dressing teens, who by the end of the weekend, were running to hug their mother.
CBE is offered two to four times a year, depending on the number of adults willing to set aside their own emotional work that weekend to give young people a hand with theirs. Adults, he added, can play a significant role in being present to youth during a critical time in their lives.
Reaching Latinos
In August Beginning Experience held its first Spanish workshop at the De Paul Center in Montebello for some 26 Spanish-speaking women and men.
Salvador Castillo, current president of Beginning Exchange, said he was particularly pleased to see Hispanic men attending the workshop and confronting cultural taboos about showing any weakness.
"The male Hispanic community is hesitant in seeking help when they find themselves in times of trial," said Castillo. "We're raised to be self sustaining, to solve whatever crosses our path. And because we feel that's the correct way, we don't find the healing we need.
"We are not raised in an environment, family or home where we can express ourselves. We're not allowed to cry and not allowed to say we are hurt. We are supposed to be macho. This is tough for us and for those who deal with us."
But during the weekend, Castillo said the men were able to express their feelings about their divorces "all with the sense of hope of one day being able to overcome this and start all over."
New beginnings
The ministry is transitional in that participants are encouraged to heal their wounds at their own pace and create new good lives for themselves. Some find that the journaling helps them to begin the church annulment process.
"So many people come back to their faith after a weekend like this, because of the healing that takes place," said Carol Thaler of St. Luke Church in Temple City and a former BE co-president. "There's a lot that goes on in my life that I can't see the big picture. The longer I live the more I understand that God sees the big picture."
Following the end of a 15-year marriage, Debbie McDonald-Levy of Santa Clarita said the workshops helped her to accept being alone for nine years while she did the in-depth "emotional homework" to understand the deeper issues that led to her divorce and to take responsibility for her end of it.
When she met the man who would become her second husband, "my only expectations were honesty and fidelity," said the Santa Clarita resident. "I don't need flashy things. I wanted a real relationship with an authentic person. I think God sent me the perfect person. He loves and respects me."
With the children from their previous marriages grown, today she and her husband travel, enjoy social activities and support each other's vocational artistry; he makes stained glass and she refurbishes chandeliers. And McDonald-Levy continues to give back to Beginning Experience.
The ministry, she said, "got me ready for the best part of my life --- the life that I have today." Editor's note: The next Beginning Exchange workshop takes place Nov. 5-7. Contact Dick Van Dusen at (310) 836-4202. For Children's Beginning Experience contact Rick Albrecht at (661) 252-2613. |