The day was entitled, "When I Promised You the Moon! The Reality of Living the Commitment." It was an opportunity for married couples to spend a few hours talking, relaxing and affirming their vocations of marriage.

Throughout the five-hour mini-retreat, the couples were encouraged to discuss their past, present and futures together. They were asked to focus on each other and their relationship rather than the larger extended family relationship. Children, parents, siblings, cousins and in-laws were to be put in the background for a few hours so the couples could connect with each other.

It was a time of dialogue between husbands and wives, not a time of talks by experts. Early in the day it was acknowledged that the only experts on marriage were the couples themselves, as they were the ones who lived their marriages.

The retreat ended with a special liturgy where each couple was given the option of renewing their wedding vows; everyone participated. There were many warm embraces, a few tears and plenty of smiles and kisses. It was energizing and heartening to watch. I drove home believing it had been a day of change for some couples and encouragement for others.

Two days later I facilitated a bereavement support group. Seven women came together to discuss their recent losses. Of the seven, five had lost husbands. They were all middle aged or younger and all had children to raise. As each woman shared her story I listened quietly, in awe as each tragic story unfolded.

In a little over one hour every possible emotion was expressed, from anger, sadness and desperation to humor. The women obviously shared a bond of understanding. They encouraged each other to keep coming to the group even when it was difficult. They agreed that talking about their loss and feelings was not easy, but they also agreed it was helpful. The women who were able to laugh offered hope to those who could not.

At one point their discussion focused on women who complained about their husbands being overweight or snoring or working too many hours. They admitted wanting to scream at these women and tell them to just enjoy and appreciate the fact that their husbands were alive and well. They then talked about how hard it was to be alone, raising children, managing homes, finances and jobs.

We are moving into the month of June, traditionally looked upon as the season of weddings. Newspapers and magazines advertise wedding expos and bridal shows. Every store offers their own special gift registry to entice the buyers who help the newlyweds furnish their homes with the basics.

Actually, living the reality of the commitment is the farthest thing from the minds of most couples as they prepare to marry. Certainly they know that there will be times of hardship and times when their passion for each other might dim a bit but that is so far in the future it is not seriously considered.

Those of us married for a few years or more than a few decades know that the reality of the commitment of marriage can sometimes be a huge challenge. The love of the early years changes. It matures, it fades and most of the time it returns.

I appreciated God's wisdom as I was allowed to enter into the lives of the couples on the marriage retreat and the lives of the bereaved women. Being married 35 years next month has meant many ups and downs. Being able to watch and listen to couples married only a few years, and also talk with a couple married nearly 58 years, was a blessing. The older ones corrected each other and finished each other's stories, sometimes to the chagrin of the storyteller. The younger couples unknowingly brought back memories of youth and young love.

In the midst of raising children, paying bills, managing a household and trying to keep harmony in the family, every married couple needs to return to the memory of what brought them together. Sometimes it is necessary to make the conscious decision to love again; other times, the feelings of love and closeness come naturally. And sometimes these things happen all in the same day.

Successful marriages require time and patience, tolerance and commitment. They also require a good dose of humor and fun.

(For information on the mini-retreat "When I Promised You the Moon! The Reality of Living the Commitment," contact Sister Joyanne Sullivan at (805) 647-0895.)

Anne Hansen is a parent education consultant and a parishioner at Blessed Junípero Serra Church, Camarillo. Her e-mail address is familymail@aol.com.