As with many families, our children have reached major milestones in their lives simultaneously. In nearly 30 years of parenting we have had first Communions, confirmations and graduations within weeks of each other. One year a wedding and a graduation were held only two months apart. It is always hectic, fun and stressful as details of each event are organized and attempts are made to insure each child has their moment to shine and celebrate.

Those of us with wide age spans between first and last children are kept busy with events like this for a long time, and this year is no different. The youngest and the oldest are sharing the limelight in our family. As the youngest prepares for high school graduation and college decisions, the oldest is choosing colors, cakes and bridesmaids dresses for her wedding.

When the eldest left home 12 years ago for college, her youngest brother was starting first grade. The contrast of adjusting to being the mother of a college student and the mother of a first grader was immediately apparent. The skills necessary to interact effectively with a college student are vastly different from those needed to nurture a first grader! The same can be said for the skills necessary for wedding planning and high school graduation and college admissions.

The past few months have seen us poring over college applications and visiting campuses from San Francisco to Dayton, Ohio. We have listened to so many college admissions counselors we are sure we could give the talks. We have seen dorm rooms so small we shake our heads and sporting facilities so grand my husband is ready to sign himself up for four more years of college.

We have learned that the best thing to do is smile and listen. Voicing an opinion too soon, especially while on the college tour, can knock that particular school right off the list. I now understand the glassy-eyed expressions of the high school juniors and seniors on these tours are not due to boredom but rather fear. They wonder what it will be like to leave home and if they will fit in and succeed. I also understand that the smiles on the faces of the parents sometimes masks their own uncertainty as they wonder if a particular school is a good match for their child.

We have also been shopping for wedding and bridesmaid's dresses, choosing photographers, tasting wedding cakes and working on creating a meaningful wedding liturgy. It takes patience and energy to stay focused on the tasks at hand, again adapting to the style of a nearly 30-year-old and that of a 17-year-old, especially when the mind of the mother moves a bit more slowly than in younger years.

How many times have I heard, "Mom we talked about this already" or "Mom, you already said that." We did? I did? Of course, they are right but there are just so many channels a brain has, and mine all seem pretty full these days.

In the quiet moments it is somewhat poignant to think about sending off the first child and the last child at the same time; one to start her own family and the other to begin his quest for independence and a place in the world. Some might think that because we have done all of this before it is easier, perhaps even routine. However, because each child is different, the experiences are new --- as they should be.

The future college freshman and the bride-to-be are --- although similar in appearance and with a number of common interests --- individuals bringing their own personalities and choices to their important plans.

The tendency for most parents, including this one, is to want to influence the plans and decisions of our children based on our many years of living. However, what we have to remember is that these plans and decisions have to fit our children.

In 1969, I insisted on handwritten wedding invitations for 300 rather than formally printed ones, an evening Mass and guitar music. That idea is not my daughter's. She is going though the books to find the invitation that suits her and her future husband, and I promise it will be beautifully and professionally printed, reflecting her taste and interests.

What major to choose and what school to attend seem very obvious to me, but to my son there is a lot of time and thought that has to go into the decision. I find myself starting to speak and then having to physically restrain myself. He will make the decision that is right for him.

It takes great faith to be a parent: faith in God that our children will be protected and faith in our children that they have the good sense to make plans and decisions that will lead them in the right direction.

Anne Hansen is a parent education consultant and a parishioner at Blessed Junípero Serra Church, Camarillo. Her e-mail address is familymail@aol.com.