More than half a century of living within a family system has convinced me that communication is the key to family harmony and therefore family unity. The way we speak and listen to each other determines how we get along. The family can flourish or fail depending on the way they communicate.

That sounds pretty simple. We talk, we listen and things are fine. However, it is the level to which we are willing to talk and share our thoughts and feelings and the level to which we commit to really listen to each other that makes the difference between the alienated family and the close-knit happy family.

Let's imagine that your family is chosen as subjects for a reality television show. The camera will record the daily interactions within your family for one week. What would the show reveal? Would the camera see exchanges between family members that reflect a level of talking and listening that is honest, kind and respectful, or would the viewers cringe?

Most of us would like to think our family reality show would be a hit that would portray our family as close-knit and caring. We would like our mornings shown as running smoothly with family members wishing each other well as they eat breakfast, and our dinner times shown as congenial affairs, full of thoughtful and lively conversation.

I'm afraid my reality show might show the mornings with a few grumpy, tired faces that would rather be in bed. The public might also see that patience is not always the order of each morning as people rush from bathroom to bedroom with coffee in hand trying to beat the clock so they are not late for work or school. On the up side, it would show each person leaving the house only after saying "good-bye" and wishing each other a good day despite impatience or hurried schedules.

Dinnertime tells a great deal about the family's level of communication, and as with all families there are meals that are pleasant and those that are not. Every one of us has endured the tense, quiet family gathering as food is passed and consumed in strained silence. We do not have many of those and it may be as simple as the fact that my family loves food so much they focus on enjoying the meal and are not willing to let anything disturb that. Do not misunderstand; we too have suffered through the uncomfortable experience of raised voices and tears. Thankfully, this seldom happens.

To maintain healthy and friendly relationships within a family requires the willingness and ability to speak and hear the truth. For example, "I need the fat jokes to stop because it is making me feel bad."

These words, spoken by sister to her teenage brother and followed up with a note on the refrigerator, may sound mundane, even silly. However, the jokes, once humorous and not meant to be malicious, had become a source of friction. The sister was feeling badly even though she is not overweight. The brother needed to know his joking had gone too far. She spoke and he listened, saying he was only kidding. The important part was that he stopped the jokes.

She spoke about something important to her and he really listened, so a change was made.

There is a commercial on television that shows a mother and adult daughter sitting in a kitchen. The daughter tells the mother that her child had taken her first steps that day.

The mother looks right past the daughter and remarks on the new stove and oven completely ignoring what the daughter said. It is a clever way to advertise appliances but shows how thoughtless and even cruel we can be when we do not listen, especially to things that are so important to those speaking. How could a grandmother choose to comment on an appliance when her daughter was sharing the fact that her child walked for the first time?

Speaking, letting others know what you want or need is only one part of communication.

If the person spoken to chooses not to listen or listens with no response the speaker feels disregarded, unimportant. If the topic is a favorite ice cream or the weather, there is not too much to worry about. If the topic is more serious, such as, "Mother (father, brother sister), I need you to listen and help me," and the plea is disregarded and the listener goes on as if nothing was ever said, you can be sure the relationship will eventually be damaged. The tie is broken; the listener did not care enough to take to heart what the family member was trying to communicate to them.

Do not let this happen to your family.

Anne Hansen is a parent education consultant and a parishioner at Blessed Junípero Serra Church, Camarillo. Her e-mail address is familymail@aol.com.